It would be lovely if I could tell you that I was out of the doldrums and getting on with my life, but the truth is that nothing has really changed. I'm still completely broken-hearted, and it has been weeks.

Truth be told, it would be so much easier if I didn't have any contact with him at all, but the wound has been opened over and over again since the last post. He appears, he disappears. He stops over, he aims, he texts. I do the same. But still, the emptiness exists and I begin to realize that there is absolutely nothing good at all left here - it's just two extremely broken people holding on to the shreds of something that was once good for fear of the complete lonliness they know waits for them.

The logic is...I need to walk away completely. I need to turn around and run and never, ever look back - but I can't. I'm addicted. I'm overwhelmed with fear, depression and sadness.

Like a drug addiction, this situation is causing numerous problems in my life. My work suffers. My house suffers. My daughter and pets suffer. I have suffered. I have never had a truly healthy relationship, and in every relationship I have never felt like I have any control over it. It consumes me until the fantasy ends, and once the fantasy has been played out, I battle the issue of trying to escape. Over and over and over this has occured - will I ever find happiness?

Strangely enough, I googled for Love Addicts Anonymous and found a site. Out of the three cities in the entire US of A that meetings cuurently exist, my smallish town is listed! Not only that, the meetings happen on one of my off nights....I feel like it's some sort of weird sign. I mean, my town is pretty progressive, but it's amazing that a group has already formed here. I will try to go (this is a holiday week so I don't know if they'll have a meeting this week). I need help, and I need it soon. As for John.... I need to let him go, and finally say goodbye for the very last time.

How long has it been? A week? Two weeks? Time seems sort of muddled right now...all of the days merge into one another and become one long, unhappy day.

I can't get over it. For a while I'll do well, but something will happen - a dream, a smell, some reminder - and I'm thrown back into the deep dark well. It hasn't helped that summer is coming upon us slowly...summer is my absolute FAVORITE season.

I've been reading self-help books during the times when I'm not occupied with work or something else - they actually do seem to help a little. The ideas are generally the same no matter which book you read, and many try to offer suggestions into self-diagnosis of psychological issues that may exist. I'm sure I've got some sort of problem, but being uneducated in psychology, I'm just going to skip all of that for now. In terms of diagnosising John...well, that's equally useless at this point. It isn't going to make any difference to the outcome.

One thing worth mentioning: he has made many small efforts to contact me. I've gotten AIMs and emails, he's started going to the gym when I go, he's changed his bathroom routine so that he uses the one nearest to my office at work. I have avoided him, but I did find myself responding to his emails and AIMs. I wish I hadn't, to be honest. Does it mean that he wants to reconcile? I don't really know what it means - all I know is that, after chatting with him, all of the old feelings come crashing down upon me. I start missing him terribly and wanting to be nearer to him - a bad thing. 

Anyway, I've decided that I need to approach this like an addiction and take things one day at a time. I might have another relapse, but the main goal here is to quit him like a bad habit. And he IS a bad habit - despite the chemistry, there has always been something missing. I know from past experiences that the early warning signs should NEVER be ignored, and bad habits that only slightly annoy in the throes of infatuation tend to become deal-breakers later on. It's really not worth the pain, and life is too short to wllow in self-pity and a sea of "what-if's"

So here I go...I'm following this list (http://www.wikihow.com/Fall-Out-of-Love) and learning how to fall out of love. I know I can do it. 

Well, today I broke it off with my sorta-on-again-off-again boyfriend-like love interest who we shall call John for the purposes of this blog. The first day is the very hardest, but we have been working up to this moment for quite some time. Yes, I've started drinking already - I picked up the biggest bottle of Ketal One the liquor store had, along with a case of Squirt and three different varieties of 99 cent chip bags to keep me going. Tonight, I will proceed to get very, very drunk indeed.

You know the story. You know the logic. Yes, the guy is totally wrong for me...I don't have an intense love for gaming like he does. I hate hip-hop, rap and pop music. I don't really give a shit about Mazdas (although I DO love cars like he does). What else? There is a age difference between us... I'm older, he's younger. I have baggage, he doesn't. I'm American, he's not.

The simularities? The attraction? Well, I was not attracted to him at first. In fact, when he first started talking to me, I got the old familiar feeling that I've always gotten with unwanted male attention, the "uh oh, now I've got to let this douchebag down gently, I'm totally not into him, why the fuck do I have to deal with this shit??" sort of feeling. I'm terrible with confrontation - I hate to kick guys to the curb. My sister - she's the exact opposite. Unfortunately she's happily married and out of practice when it comes to dumping the dudes. Dammit.

Honestly, it took a while for me to reciprocate his affections, and when we first kissed, I was amazed at how much passion was there. His kiss was perfect - perfect breath, perfect smell, perfect taste. His lips were soft, and his kiss was sensual. I was totally smitten.

We exchanged "mix tapes" for one another full of love songs. We had romantic interludes on certain nights of the week...we had fun doing things together and watching movies and being silly. We laughed and joked and held hands and ate snacks. We had lunch together most every day, and chatted via AIM throughout most of the night.

Then things started to get crazy. I got crazy. He withdrew. I would calm down for a while, then want more, then he would withdraw. Same old story. Now we are to this point...I gave an ultimatum and now it is over. The end.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself right now. Living without him seems out of the question, and maybe that's been my problem all along - I've let myself get so into him that I placed him first in importance in my life. Maybe I'm a love addict, or is this normal? I really don't know...all I know is that I feel sick to my stomach and confused and achy and deeply, deeply sad. Even the alcohol isn't helping...my heart is completely broken.