Well, today I broke it off with my sorta-on-again-off-again boyfriend-like love interest who we shall call John for the purposes of this blog. The first day is the very hardest, but we have been working up to this moment for quite some time. Yes, I've started drinking already - I picked up the biggest bottle of Ketal One the liquor store had, along with a case of Squirt and three different varieties of 99 cent chip bags to keep me going. Tonight, I will proceed to get very, very drunk indeed.

You know the story. You know the logic. Yes, the guy is totally wrong for me...I don't have an intense love for gaming like he does. I hate hip-hop, rap and pop music. I don't really give a shit about Mazdas (although I DO love cars like he does). What else? There is a age difference between us... I'm older, he's younger. I have baggage, he doesn't. I'm American, he's not.

The simularities? The attraction? Well, I was not attracted to him at first. In fact, when he first started talking to me, I got the old familiar feeling that I've always gotten with unwanted male attention, the "uh oh, now I've got to let this douchebag down gently, I'm totally not into him, why the fuck do I have to deal with this shit??" sort of feeling. I'm terrible with confrontation - I hate to kick guys to the curb. My sister - she's the exact opposite. Unfortunately she's happily married and out of practice when it comes to dumping the dudes. Dammit.

Honestly, it took a while for me to reciprocate his affections, and when we first kissed, I was amazed at how much passion was there. His kiss was perfect - perfect breath, perfect smell, perfect taste. His lips were soft, and his kiss was sensual. I was totally smitten.

We exchanged "mix tapes" for one another full of love songs. We had romantic interludes on certain nights of the week...we had fun doing things together and watching movies and being silly. We laughed and joked and held hands and ate snacks. We had lunch together most every day, and chatted via AIM throughout most of the night.

Then things started to get crazy. I got crazy. He withdrew. I would calm down for a while, then want more, then he would withdraw. Same old story. Now we are to this point...I gave an ultimatum and now it is over. The end.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself right now. Living without him seems out of the question, and maybe that's been my problem all along - I've let myself get so into him that I placed him first in importance in my life. Maybe I'm a love addict, or is this normal? I really don't know...all I know is that I feel sick to my stomach and confused and achy and deeply, deeply sad. Even the alcohol isn't helping...my heart is completely broken.