It would be lovely if I could tell you that I was out of the doldrums and getting on with my life, but the truth is that nothing has really changed. I'm still completely broken-hearted, and it has been weeks.

Truth be told, it would be so much easier if I didn't have any contact with him at all, but the wound has been opened over and over again since the last post. He appears, he disappears. He stops over, he aims, he texts. I do the same. But still, the emptiness exists and I begin to realize that there is absolutely nothing good at all left here - it's just two extremely broken people holding on to the shreds of something that was once good for fear of the complete lonliness they know waits for them.

The logic is...I need to walk away completely. I need to turn around and run and never, ever look back - but I can't. I'm addicted. I'm overwhelmed with fear, depression and sadness.

Like a drug addiction, this situation is causing numerous problems in my life. My work suffers. My house suffers. My daughter and pets suffer. I have suffered. I have never had a truly healthy relationship, and in every relationship I have never felt like I have any control over it. It consumes me until the fantasy ends, and once the fantasy has been played out, I battle the issue of trying to escape. Over and over and over this has occured - will I ever find happiness?

Strangely enough, I googled for Love Addicts Anonymous and found a site. Out of the three cities in the entire US of A that meetings cuurently exist, my smallish town is listed! Not only that, the meetings happen on one of my off nights....I feel like it's some sort of weird sign. I mean, my town is pretty progressive, but it's amazing that a group has already formed here. I will try to go (this is a holiday week so I don't know if they'll have a meeting this week). I need help, and I need it soon. As for John.... I need to let him go, and finally say goodbye for the very last time.